I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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