im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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