I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
