I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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