She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't deserve a penis
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
