if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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