I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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