Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
