I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
