I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
