I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
