She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
