the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
