happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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