just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
