Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
