watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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