It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
