I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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