i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
