Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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