My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize