The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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