he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Drunk is not a location!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
