dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
