I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
