if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
