you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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