Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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