Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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