Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
