I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
