God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
