Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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