How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
