The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
