My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
