I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
