I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
