Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
