I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Someone came in the potted fern
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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