I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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