in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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