finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
