If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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