Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I would ride that face into the sunset
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
