In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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