My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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