You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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