I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
