but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
