Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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