This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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