they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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