allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
