Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
