Don't you send me to vm
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
