you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
