you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
