he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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